Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
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Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“you changed” bro i was 15
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.