If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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Not today.. 😂
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Doctors texting each other.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.