They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”