DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
You Might Also Like
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning