ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
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In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
We need to put an American base on the sun
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops