*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.