my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?