My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Banana is the quietest snack
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it