Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I cannot call her anything else now
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.