Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
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*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
There’s only one good girl here!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*