A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁