I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
me when i see my girls butt
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure