With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT