Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.