people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
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I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.