If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If only.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.