“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
@ candidates for local office
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate