I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
You Might Also Like
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.