He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Are we there yet?…
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Shoo shoo! 😂