I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.