Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
You Might Also Like
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.