Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
#SaturdayBears
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.