Should I call tech support or pray or what
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DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
our love story in four pictures
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰