[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.