You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.