[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Not today
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably