google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
You Might Also Like
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.