Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Fiction has to make sense.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough