Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
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Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Only Americans understand
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle