A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Midwest trash talk
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?