Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS