I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
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3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted