i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
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Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Extremely relatable.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.