With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either