There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Tough love is true love
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd