I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
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captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you