Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
You Might Also Like
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I came this close!!!!
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
What flavor cupcake are these
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.