[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
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“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*checks Timeline*…
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.