Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
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one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
mmm onion ringos
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Pass gas, not judgment.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Last-minute gift idea!
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.