GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Kidney stones? Hard pass
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”