Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??