Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
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*has no idea what a book even is*
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The three genders
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.