My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
What
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad