Story of my life…..
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Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving