“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
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TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes