My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
You Might Also Like
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Yup….perfect score!
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Stick it to the man
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner