I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Me driving through Toronto
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner