Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
RT if you could go either way.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.