[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
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[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
True statement👍😏😁
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
the red hot silly peppers
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.