Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?